My Review of Abandoned (2022)

 

Written by Erik Patterson And Jessica Scott

Directed by Spencer Squire

Sara: "You know I don't mind a little haunting. We'll take it."

Well, this might be one of the dullest horror films I've had the misfortune to watch. Let's take a young couple with a new baby, plank them in the middle of nowhere and have some spooky shit happen.

It's a simple premise that's so ineptly executed that it beggars belief. The couple in question being a school teacher Sara (Emma Roberts) and farmer Alex (John Gallagher Jr). They're not exactly having the best of times.

I felt at the start of the movie, the rather obnoxious realtor was trying to give both Sara and Alex an out when it came into moving into the farmhouse. It turned out that a woman died in that house along with her baby and father. The woman also looked a bit like Sara, despite being played by Addy Miller.

Anyways the movie trundled along at an excruciating pace with baby Chris constantly crying and Sara being unable to placate in spite of her best efforts to do so. Various items kept going missing, Chris ended up in danger a few times and Sara and Alex fought with each other.

All of them stuff should've resonated and felt real but it's tackled so poorly that I ended up rooting for the creepy ghosts haunting the place. Yes, there's ghosts and at some point Sara managed to loosen their hold on the place and live a happy life with her husband and son.

The only actor in this movie who seemed to bother to try to make the material work was Michael Shannon as Chris Renner. He had connections to the opening kill and tried to help both Sara and Alex as much as the script would allow him to. Michael Shannon was thoroughly wasted though.

- By the end of the movie, Sara was pregnant with her second child. 

- Emma Roberts went barefoot for most of this film for god knows what reason.

- Standout music: Thr Turtles Happy Together.

- Chronology: Present day in that abandoned farmhouse. The murders took place forty years beforehand.

Abandoned is an absolute crapfest that foolishly takes itself far too seriously for it's own damn good. The scares are barely tepid, the ending was rushed, Michael Shannon was the only actor who made an effort and I wished that I hadn't wasted any time on this. Best avoided.

Rating: 2 out of 10